I'm still here...

We're in our new house - loving it so much! It's awesome. Still hard to believe it's really ours. We're being stretched - summer is always such a hard time, but God has never left us hanging, so we're once again clinging to that. God, we need your intervention.

Other than that, I'm working through some stuff, mostly church and relationship related. I know my attitude is poor, and I need to work on it, but I'm not sure how to change it all. Relationship is so hard. But we'll keep trying and praying and working it through.

Emotions

What a roller coaster week of emotions.

I am so glad I'm not in control. But I struggle with not being in control. I KNOW God has His best plan for me. But sometimes I feel so far away from it - lost. I want to scream and be angry and know that He won't scream and be angry. Anissa told me last night about how she finally got the revelation that "I [God] am slow to anger." She saw herself just laying on His chest kicking and screaming and crying. And God just held her and loved her. That's how I have felt this week. Only I wasn't sure if He was holding and loving me. But now I think even if my heart doesn't get it, I'll just think on it til it permiates me. I need to be able to just be where I'm at in the middle of all of this, without fear of offending the Creator of the Universe, Who happens to also be my Father. God, help me to really get this. I need You like never before.

We took Luke to see the house today. Here we go up the roller coaster track. We were so excited - the house was being emptied today, and we got to wander through and just imagine this time next week. I can't believe it's actually happening. It's been tough financially to get everything together, but we just keep remembering the picture He showed me a few weeks ago. God doesn't put You in His car, only to drive you half-way to your destination, drop you off and leave you to go the rest of the way alone. He's all about fulfilling that which He began. So we continue to step and trust.

It was wonderful to see Cole and Luke so excited about the house. My own imagination hasn't stopped since - thinking and dreaming about all of the things we'll do and buy and make over the years to make it truly ours. The house is gorgeous and promising, and what a garden!

Did I mention that it's right on the water???

"...my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name..."

We had a very difficult weekend.

I went running with Anissa on Friday morning. It was fun - it rained, but we enjoyed our time out, early in the morning, when the world was just waking up.

When I got home I started having some bad cramps and very slight spotting. I thought maybe I was starting a period. But after only a couple of hours it stopped. So I became suspicious I might be pg. We did a test Friday evening and it was a ++! We absorbed the news for a few minutes, and got excited the more we thought about it (we've always wanted five or six kids at least).

Well, Saturday the bleeding started again, only heavier, like a moderate period. It continued like that til Sunday evening. After some discussion and a call to Telecare, we decided I'd better go in to Emerge to see what was going on. It was so busy there, but we were told I was a Level 3 and most others were Level 4, meaning I was priority. Still it would likely be a couple of hours. About 45 minutes after arriving, I stood up to go the bathroom, and had a huge gush of blood. More of the same in the bathroom, as well as passing some clots. So I was immediately taken in. Over the next few hours, I was given IV's, had blood drawn, three ultra sounds, an internal, and then an hour or so of oxytocin to try to get the bleeding stopped. Finally when the bleeding was not slowing down, it was decided I should have an emergency d&c. It all happened so fast, it's like a blur to me now. I stayed overnight, and came home around 1 yesterday. I stifled the emotions of it all at the hospital out of necessity to keep my wits about me while making the decisions to be made, and dealing with the physical side of it. But it all hit me hard last night and today....so I'm dealing with rollercoastering emotions, and dropping hormones. And I didn't sleep last night. I hope I will tonight. Even if it's brought on by sheer exhaustion.

This is a song I sang on Sunday as I led worship at church. When we sing songs like this, do we really have any concept of what we're singing?

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord, Blessed be your name