Well, there are a couple of upcoming showings of the house. I'm feeling so torn. Bottom line is this house isn't adequate for us long-term. We have too many munchkins running around in it, that need to be running around outside. We need to get back to the country, or at least a house with a huge backyard that's fenced in, preferably not on a major street through town. BUT, I feel invaded. It's making me quite emotional. Like, until we know what we're doing, it's MY house. It's likely not at all rational, however...this is me we're talking about.

So my cleaner comes tomorrow afternoon. The first showing is tomorrow at 3:30. The next is Sat. at 11. We're skipping town. It will look spotless when the cleaner is done, and it will be pretty bad by the next morning if we occupy it, so we're going to Moncton, I think. Maybe PEI. Crazy us, but I hate recleaning what I just paid someone else to clean!

Speaking of which, I need to get to it, and do my part before April comes tomorrow. See you later, tater.

It's Tuesday afternoon, and here I sit. Enjoying my laptop way too much! It's been nearly a year since it crashed the second time, and so I'm doing some maintenance, as well as just enjoying the novelty of it again.

Ellie had her 9-mon. checkup today. A little concern over her weight - she's gained a whole ounce in two months! Yikes! She has, however gotten a larger head, and is nearly two inches longer! Go figure. Initially I didn't panic, then got thinking about it, wondered if I'd done things wrong, felt bad, etc, but now I am calm again. All of my kids are skinny, and Luke in particular did pretty much the same thing. It's kind of odd because they start out pretty huge (smallest was Cole at 8lbs.11oz, next was Luke at 9lbs.10oz, Brett was 10lbs.6oz, and Ellie was 9lbs.13oz). Anyway, I'm just glad the dr. didn't recommend formula. I think I'll get her some avacado though.

I'm feeling very restless. I guess it's a combination of things. I did manage to get the house cleaned (though my closets and drawers suffered from the spoils of that war!) for the agents to come through. If it took them ten minutes I'd be surprised. I'm not sure it was worth it. Mostly I think it was a matter of pride. Anyway, today the house looks like I didn't do anything yesterday, and most of the damage was in the first three hours of our morning today! How does that happen? So frustrating!

Upon arriving home from Ellie's appt., I was feeling a huge urge to flee. I get so tired with the mundane runnings of a home. Yes I'm busy. But it's the same unappreciated tasks day after day after day...I'm sure it's more interesting if you can at least get out for FUN things with other people, or even have them in, but it doesn't happen around here. I feel so isolated so much of the time. I struggle with keeping my eyes from rolling when I hear other people complaining about not getting out, being tired, feeling a lot of demand on them, and then when they actualliy start talking about what they've done, who they've seen, where they've gone...I know I have a bad attitude, but man, if you're on your own, or at least if your children are in school, or further apart in age, or less in number, I envy you. I'm sure many would think "but it was your decision to have so many children/this close together/homeschooling/etc." Yes and no. See I have these things called convictions, and when I have attempted to ignore them, or do the opposite, it doesn't go well for me. This year's big assignment: learn to trust God in my family planning. Which actually translates, don't plan. Let me have control of it. Scary stuff. I mean, when you get down to it, this is what I want to do. But there are times when the walls are closing in, I feel desperate to breathe fresh air, do my own thing, not be responsible for anyone else, or have to prefer anyone over myself, my dreams, my interests, or my chocolate! If I could I wouldn't trade this for anything else, yet why do I so often struggle with wanting more - beyond the identity of Mom.

I love it when people are shocked to learn my age, and that I have four children. Their response of "You don't look old enough to even have one baby, let alone four!" It's good for my pride. But what a soulish thing to feed. And yet are these things planted deep down inside of me not there because they were God-designed? I can't believe anything but. So how do I live in both worlds? Living out my dreams, walking in my own personal destiny as Daughter, Princess, Worshipper. The things that lay so deep inside me I haven't the first clue how to bring them out of dormancy, because it's been so long since I've even come face to face with them, that I don't recognize them anymore. God, please don't let me miss out on anything! I keep hearing that being a mom/wife doesn't disqualify me, and I truly believe I'm where I'm supposed to be, but I guess it's just the reassurance that the things swirling deep in my being will be realized. I love my kids beyond anything - please do not misunderstand me. I guess it's the catch-22 of motherhood. Desperately wanting to be a mom, love your kids, give everything you have/are/etc. to and for them, yet still yearning for your own identity.

God, help my heart be at peace and content with the road I'm travelling. I do not regret my decisions, for I am convinced that I am walking the path You designed for me. I thank You for my husband, and my children. I am blessed beyond measure with the fullness of my family. Help me to find ways to fulfill the individual things you have for ME to do; and to be content until I do.

What a beautiful day! We went to Centennial Park to try out our new double stroller/bike trailer. After two years of wanting to get one, now we have one. And it's great! Now hopefully this summer we'll be able to get some bicycles.

The kids had a blast. Cole, Luke and I drank from a beautiful, refreshing, hand-freezingly cold stream - what a hoot. At the last of it, Greg joined us. We were on some pretty neat footpaths through the woods. Not really great for the stroller, but Greg handled it really well - I mean basically he carried it a lot. Lifting one end or the other to get past exposed tree roots, rocks, etc. But we had so much fun. We got back to the bus (we had taken one of the other driver's buses because Greg wanted to do some body work on it this weekend, and also see how it's running), and were deciding what to do about a picnic as none of the tables were out yet. But we spotted some off to the side all stacked up so we pulled the top one off, and plunked down. Nothing like fresh sandwiches and chips outside!

Last night I played with Rick and Sharon down at the Classic Cafe again. I'm so out of my element there. I don't feel nervous at all, just very conspicuous. I don't water down my music. It is very obviously Christian. So I do struggle with wondering if I can be effective in that arena, yet for years have been wanting to do things like that. Anyway, I enjoy it. Rick and Sharon are both wonderful musicians - I haven't been around many people with that much natural talent very often.

I still haven't done half of what I wanted to get done around here, but I guess it will have to do. I'm going to work for a while this evening, but I'm not a martyr with housework. Once Greg is done the bus, we're planning on watching a movie, and then bed. He's not feeling great - he ended up with the cold all the kids had this week.

Tomorrow my dad turns 51 - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD! I love you!

House church was AWESOME last night. I love it when you feel connected - to God and to each other. I love my Community at Hope Church!

In other news, I have several real estate agents coming through the house on Monday and I am not ready. I don't know what my level of responsibility and obligation is to have this place tip top, but I FEEL like I need to achieve perfection. We are just renting, but I guess maybe I feel like I'm not stewarding this house as well as I should be....

Which brings me to my next topic.

I know three things about myself.

What I'm not: a good housekeeper. I don't enjoy it. I like clean. I dislike clutter. But getting from untidy/dirty/etc. to a point that I'm happy with is difficult. I don't know how to do it halfway. I detest clutter behind doors and in cupboards and drawers, so when these things are not properly done, even though the outside may look perfect, it bugs me. I end up overwhelming myself with a humongous to-do list, that is practically impossible to complete. Then I stress. Then I yell. It's not a good scene.

What I am: a great mom. My kids are doing well. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm doing it ok, but then someone else will spend time with my kids, and leave saying to me what great kids they are, well-mannered, no fighting...I guess as mom I see the negative stuff more often, and it's not that I or they are perfect and don't make mistakes, but I do know that I'm not failing at motherhood. Except when I'm trying to clean. My number one factor to bring on yelling - stressing over my to-do list. So oftentimes I have to forego the projects and spend time with my kids. Then I feel guilty that I'm being lazy and I'm scared someone is going to walk in and judge me for my mess. But at least I'm not sacrificing their need for relationship with me...and I think when it comes down to it, that's the most important, although I have to remind myself of this quite often. I just know when I'm 80 yrs. old I will not be saying, "Wow I really wished I'd have cleaned that _____ one more time!" But if I miss out on relationship with my kids while they are little, I will regret.

What I will be: Made perfect in Christ. Because NOTHING matters that I do or don't do. He loves me. He loves me just the way I am. But He will not leave me just the way I am either. I have a hope and promise of eternity, and that makes this life so much more precious. Can you imagine if this were all there was? Thank you God, for hope that extends beyond what we see here.

So today I will work away at my to-do list and if the kids start showing signs of neglect, I will not stress and yell, I will stop. And read to them. And hug them. And tickle them. And love them.

It seems every time I resolve that I WILL keep up with my blog, I don't. I am not great at record keeping (ie: baby books, writing down funny things the kids do/say), but I love it when I do come across a note about such things. So again, I am going to attempt to keep up. I love being able to check in with other people this way, and I haven't written an actual letter in YEARS! Which is surprising because I used to write several a week. Ah well, this is married life with four children and a business, and homeschooling. Speaking of which, we are quite determined to homeschool Luke, although I'm having minimal positive comments on it. I just don't see public school as being able to offer him what we can through homeschooling. We have spoken to Joe Ann (read: world's best ABA therapist!), and she's on board with us. She thinks it IS a good idea, and she's hear to help in whatever way she can. They have inadvertantly set us up for successful homeschooling anyway, because of a new program they've introduced to him. It's a "schedule." A visual aid: a piece of craft foam cut in a rectangle, a strip of velcro down the centre of that, a rubbermaid set of four plastic drawers, pieces of velcro on each drawer, and eight coloured circles, two each of four colours. The idea: put the coloured circles on the drawers. In each drawer is an activity (markers and a mazes, puzzles, books to read, etc.). Tx (therapist) attaches the corresponding coloured circles to the foam, in the order Tx wishes Luke to complete the activities. The SD (or verbal prompt) is given, "do your schedule", and Luke complies - wholeheartedly! He loves his schedule and is very satisfied with himself for completing it appropriately and independently. Wow! Suddenly my job as teacher is a whole lot easier. In fact, it may be something I will do with the others. The funny thing about so much of his therapy is that it is very useful for all children. I must get this house cleaned today - we have a dozen real estate agents coming through next Monday. The owners have "evicted" us two years early, so we are looking at buying/building a house by end of summer. They were initially planning to move back into the house, but have since decided to sell it and buy something different. We were hoping to be getting into our own house this year, but thinking more in the fall to early winter time frame. Anyway, God's grace is sufficient, and I will manage to get this house in order I'm sure. Have a blessed day!