Sometimes
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with how lonely my life has been. Right now it's not obviously, but at the same time it is. I struggle to have deep friendships with other women. I did in school. I have figured out I am threatening. Which makes me laugh AND cry. I know I have made several women jealous over the years, and I think: "Who's jealous of me?" I have had one hand after another of being at the mercy of someone else's really bad decisions, and unfortunately, the consequences do affect me. I don't want to live my life out of self-pity, but there are times when I feel so tired and overwhelmed by how alone I have felt and how often. And my darkest times, I am most alone in the human sense. And yet, the only way I've stayed afloat at all is that I'm really not alone. I have always had a sense the "HE" is there, holding me, guiding me, keeping me. I don't pretend to understand it all. Why would you let stuff happen to me so much? But I don't keep it between Him and I either. Life is hard. But God IS good. And when all around is at it's darkest, if you just reach out, you can feel Him there. Ready to guide you through. It takes a lot of faith. And a lot of hope. It requires you going beyond what you think you have in you, and just walking it out.
I just found out my dad is seeing someone. How seriously he is seeing this someone I guess is to be decided. I'm uneasy with it - she's 6 months younger than me. I guess if it's a God thing then He'll help my heart deal with it. But right now I don't like it. It's just weird. Like wearing a wool sweater on bare skin. It makes me squirm. And it's even a bit like having your face covered - which I hate. Get it off! Whatever it is covering my face - get it off NOW! So, God I need your grace once again. I did let Dad know that it's a bit weird for me. He wants to bring her here so we can meet. She has a young daughter. IF they have a future together, I don't want to have to walk too carefully. I've already done the rounds twice with "step-mothers" (please tell me I don't have to refer to her as my step-mother!!!). And if women nearly 30 years older than me are as threatened as they are by me, what will someone younger than me be like. So right, I admit I feel like praying against it. I do wish my father would exercise a little more wisdom. But this area of relationships is not his strength. I had hoped by now he would clue in a bit, but it doesn't seem to be. So God, hold me in your heart - that's the closest I can be to you, and right now, I need to be engulfed by you. Be my refuge.
I just found out my dad is seeing someone. How seriously he is seeing this someone I guess is to be decided. I'm uneasy with it - she's 6 months younger than me. I guess if it's a God thing then He'll help my heart deal with it. But right now I don't like it. It's just weird. Like wearing a wool sweater on bare skin. It makes me squirm. And it's even a bit like having your face covered - which I hate. Get it off! Whatever it is covering my face - get it off NOW! So, God I need your grace once again. I did let Dad know that it's a bit weird for me. He wants to bring her here so we can meet. She has a young daughter. IF they have a future together, I don't want to have to walk too carefully. I've already done the rounds twice with "step-mothers" (please tell me I don't have to refer to her as my step-mother!!!). And if women nearly 30 years older than me are as threatened as they are by me, what will someone younger than me be like. So right, I admit I feel like praying against it. I do wish my father would exercise a little more wisdom. But this area of relationships is not his strength. I had hoped by now he would clue in a bit, but it doesn't seem to be. So God, hold me in your heart - that's the closest I can be to you, and right now, I need to be engulfed by you. Be my refuge.
2 Comments:
At February 06, 2007 10:26 a.m.,
Andrea R said…
That's... kinda creepy. :(
So sorry, big hugs your way. I know how tough it has been for you.
At February 07, 2007 1:48 p.m.,
Anonymous said…
EEWWWW! So many things come to mind but I still don't know what to say. I don't want to judge your dad and I don't want to make light of what you are feeling right now....
Is your dad into Scientology? Does he ocassionally go to Colorado to visit the landing strip for alien space crafts? LOL Just think, not everyone has Tom Cruise for a dad ;)
Seriously though, I wish I were closer so I could give you a big hug. One verse that comes to mind that I would embrace right now is "I can do ALL things through God who gives me strength!"
Post a Comment
<< Home