Busy Weekend

We had our church up for a skating party on Saturday. I got soooo much done on Friday and Saturday. I wonder why I struggle to do that on a regular basis for my family? They are definitely worth it as much as guests!

The weather is decidedly warmer, quite nice. We have had several sunny days in a row, and I'm beginning to think spring really is coming. February is deceitfully NOT the shortest month.

We're having a yummy roast beef dinner tonight. My kids gobble it up, and it's fun seeing everyone enjoying their food so much.

Nothing big happening. Just every day life.

Average Happenings

Nothing much to report from here. I did have a session with the counsellor from Family Enrichment. The conclusion was we didn't solve anything, and there isn't really anything to be solved. But she did just make me feel less crazy about how I'm feeling.

Today I go for the ever fun gestational diabetic screening. Fun fun. I exchanged airmiles for a $50 gift card for Chapters. It came in the mail yesterday, so Cole is pretty excited to go spend that today. Me too!

Brett is at Greg's parents for a couple of days. I'm hoping to use this time to finish sorting the toys and books in the basement. Luke likes going on the van with Greg, so I'll likely leave him with Greg this afternoon after my bloodwork, and get some stuff done!

That's all my uninteresting news for now.

What I Did

I did go to town. But darn I should have made my mind up earlier. With the few errands and then Walmart and then Sobeys...it was pretty messy on the drive home.

I made Greg a nice steak and baked potato dinner, then we had snow cream! I was also very surprised to find my house cleaned (it wasn't bad when I left, but needed tidying) and a box of a dozen beautiful white roses left for me. Greg had come home when I left for town - Wednesday is actually the only day he could probably get away with this. So even though I said I didn't care, I did enjoy them, and they sure a pretty!

Greg is currently blowing the snow, and the boys are joining him while Ellie naps. Which means a really nice quiet break for me. Naturally this involves a chocolate moment. :)

What To Do

We have a heavy snowfall warning for the next couple of days. I'm not sure what I want the most. To get out of the house with the kids while I can, or stay safely inside in my jammies. I do need a few groceries, so I likely should go, but it seems like so much work. I likely will go.

We're hoping that the snow means a day off for Greg. If not, I'll be thinking with concern (not worrying!) about him the whole day.

Will likely give a better post later today.

P.S. Happy Valentines Day. I'm not in a mood to go crazy for Valentines Day. If Greg gets me nothing today, I really don't care. This has got to be a first. Don't worry. I still like him! I guess things have been so good lately that every day is Valentines for us. Maybe that's the key to a happy marriage?!

Will It Never End?

Are there many other 30-yr-old women who have been around this mountain this many times? I am soooo emotionally and mentally tired of my father's actions. After not getting much sleep Sat. night, or this past week for that matter, I called my dad yesterday morning. I had to tell him how I feel. He appreciated me telling him. But I don't think it will make a difference. He had a bit of an edge to his voice that told me he has made his choice. So I'm trying not to freak out over what this could mean for me. She's young enough to have babies - I don't think I can handle having a half-sibling younger than my own children! And like I said before, Dawn and Carol, both nearly 30 yrs older than me, struggled with intense jealousy towards me. So how will someone my age handle me? I told him I don't think he's using wisdom. I told him I feel really ackward and hurt. I told him that when he initially asked me if he could bring Kelly to meet me, I thought what he was proposing had to do with her wanting to homeschool, and it was just a casual once-in-a-while meeting between him and her. That's why I said yes she could come. But yesterday I told him no. And I told him to be careful. He said he would be, but I just feel that he's already made his choice, and he's going to pursue this relationship.

I came into church yesterday, and things there are difficult for me right now too. We have to have a talk with our pastors, and in the middle of everything I just feel overwhelmed. I just lost it. I have cried so much in the past few days - my eyes feel dried out and scratchy. But I feel like there's more to come. I had an appointment with my counsellor from Family Enrichment scheduled for today, but she had to call in sick, so that won't happen for another week. I'm disappointed. I really needed to talk with her.

So today I'm tired. Tomorrow some homeschoolers will be coming for a Valentine's Day party. That will be a nice distraction. Today I'll work some more on the basement, toys, books, etc. Lots to do, but so little energy. God, I need help.

Just When I Had Myself Convinced

I've been working all week, trying to tell myself that I overreacted to Dad's announcement about Kelly (the new woman). Maybe I read way to much into it. Arguing back and forth. So tonight he calls me. Not unusual. We usually say a quick hello at least once a day. But tonight we're talking about how our day was. I went first. Then asked him how he was. Great! He went for a drive down to Brown's Flats and vicinity - with Kelly and Hannah (her daughter). yay. happy for you. Is now a bad time to start drinking?

I tried to post earlier today, but was trying to figure out how to link to an earlier post. Couldn't figure it out, how to link. Anyway, I think it was Sept.'02. I posted about how I felt about Dad and Dawn, Dawn in particular. It wasn't that I was totally unwilling to accept her. I just knew it wouldn't work. And then we'd be where we are at now. And unfortunately, I was right.

Ok, if not drinking, then how about a few weeks away in some place warm?

I did something!

I've been struggling with February. I don't like it. The last couple of years we've gone some place warm over March break, so it's helped me get through Feb. I get a to-do list going, of things I want to accomplish before leaving. But this year we have no such plans. I am trying to get Greg excited about, or at least interested in, some home improvement activities. I've been meeting with Rachel again, and the last two weeks have been furniture painting. Bill even sanded outside in the freezing cold so I wouldn't have to. I love Bill and Rachel!

The regular housework has been hard for me to overcome, conquer and otherwise maintain. But this week has been better. The upstairs does NOT look like a tornado hit, although the family room DOES look like a preschool that hasn't been cleaned in months. For the first part of the week I struggled to do much other than shiver. But yesterday I got some stuff done. Primarily I washed all of the bedding. And I mean all - except Ellie's comforter which is being done this morning. All of the mattress covers, any pillow covers, sheets, cases, comforters, blankets. You name it, it got done. For FIVE beds. I felt very productive yesterday. Plus I got my clean laundry folded - a huge job, because I can never seem to stay caught up with that. Today I am still doing the regular laundry - got behind on that over the past couple of weeks. I'm sure the washer and dryer will be going non-stop well into tomorrow. Serves me right for sulking in February.

Late this afternoon we may be headed to Bathurst. Our snowmobile - recently purchased, used - had an issue, and the warranty was up on Tuesday. But we got it to them on Saturday in Moncton. They shipped it to Bathurst for the repairs. We don't know yet if it will be finished. But if it is, because we have company tomorrow, we'll have to go for it tonight. Greg gets off early tonight. Still, that means we'll be home around 1 am, I estimate. Some people would think we're nuts - why not just stay home with the kids and let hubby do the trip. But we like road trips, even the kids. We have a dvd player in the Durango, and they do well. And Greg and I like each other, so we want to spend time together. Besides, kids sleep in cars. I think it will be tiring, but fun.

What's Up

I just read my post on my blog, and it's not spaced like it is in compose mode. I just figured out how to move the pictures so they could be placed throughout the post, but it's not seeming to like the way I spaced the text. Sorry for the wonkiness.

Gotta Love Him

This is his "grumpy old bear" bath towel.

Brett is three now. And you all know three means cute. We had such a rough beginning, the Brettness and I. I really think there was a point when I wondered not if I would love him, because I did, but if he would really get into my whole being the way I wanted. Well, he has. He's just TOO CUTE!!

This is eating toast with jam after visiting the Pillow Case Haircare Salon.

Sometimes Brett likes to play a game with me by wiping off my kisses. I of course respond in an appropriately insulted "don't wipe off my kisses!", which sends him pretty much into hysterics. I think the last time we did this was last week. Yesterday I sat down on one of the sofas in our family room downstairs. Cole and Brett were watching a video, and Brett came over to me, and snuggled right in. He started rubbing my face, and said "I'm sorry" with this look that only Brett can give. I said, "Honey, what are you sorry for?" Because he really hadn't done anything yesterday to be in trouble. "I'm sorry for wiping the kisses." *blat*

And here's another one just to show you what a slave-driver I am with my kids. Actually I was trying to decide whether the potential broken dishes were worth the photo! I was very surprised to see them working in such cooperation!

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

I.AM.SO.TIRED.OF.TOYS!!!

Sometimes I feel like my kids are lacking in fun toys. Interesting toys. Educational toys. Time-consuming toys. But they have SOOOO much stuff! I'd like to turf it all and start over. We told them last night that today we will be cleaning the family room, where most of the toys reside. From now on, whatever gets left out after being played with will be confiscated, and will have to be earned back. I am not one that will likely ever have it in me to actually trash toys. I personally find that a waste. However, removing the offending toys from the known playing premises to an established holding cell or toy dungeon, until the knights can be reformed and rescue said offending toys is definitely doable for me. I have a hard time getting rid of stuff - it's the way I was raised. Lame I'm sure, but when I was throwing out all my bug-infested baking supplies from the mobile when we moved (someone had given me quite a haul of baking supplies, but filled with these weird little bugs! icky! I stupidly thought some of the stuff was safe and put it in my baking cupboard. Where they spent three years reproducing.), I could just hear my grandfather yelling at me that we were wasting it! Mind you this is the man who saves dog food bags. *rolling eyes* Bless him! Because of the lack of example in sending unused or unusable items to the landfill, I believe everything that is broken can be fixed. Even if it means it will occupy it's landing pad for several years. So that is something else I will work on. If the toys are broken, I will throw them away, unless it's a quick easy repair, and the cost to replace would be substantial. But piecing together 143 broken splinters from a plastic parking garage isn't going to happen. And the voices in my head - oh the voices - will have to be ignored.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with how lonely my life has been. Right now it's not obviously, but at the same time it is. I struggle to have deep friendships with other women. I did in school. I have figured out I am threatening. Which makes me laugh AND cry. I know I have made several women jealous over the years, and I think: "Who's jealous of me?" I have had one hand after another of being at the mercy of someone else's really bad decisions, and unfortunately, the consequences do affect me. I don't want to live my life out of self-pity, but there are times when I feel so tired and overwhelmed by how alone I have felt and how often. And my darkest times, I am most alone in the human sense. And yet, the only way I've stayed afloat at all is that I'm really not alone. I have always had a sense the "HE" is there, holding me, guiding me, keeping me. I don't pretend to understand it all. Why would you let stuff happen to me so much? But I don't keep it between Him and I either. Life is hard. But God IS good. And when all around is at it's darkest, if you just reach out, you can feel Him there. Ready to guide you through. It takes a lot of faith. And a lot of hope. It requires you going beyond what you think you have in you, and just walking it out.

I just found out my dad is seeing someone. How seriously he is seeing this someone I guess is to be decided. I'm uneasy with it - she's 6 months younger than me. I guess if it's a God thing then He'll help my heart deal with it. But right now I don't like it. It's just weird. Like wearing a wool sweater on bare skin. It makes me squirm. And it's even a bit like having your face covered - which I hate. Get it off! Whatever it is covering my face - get it off NOW! So, God I need your grace once again. I did let Dad know that it's a bit weird for me. He wants to bring her here so we can meet. She has a young daughter. IF they have a future together, I don't want to have to walk too carefully. I've already done the rounds twice with "step-mothers" (please tell me I don't have to refer to her as my step-mother!!!). And if women nearly 30 years older than me are as threatened as they are by me, what will someone younger than me be like. So right, I admit I feel like praying against it. I do wish my father would exercise a little more wisdom. But this area of relationships is not his strength. I had hoped by now he would clue in a bit, but it doesn't seem to be. So God, hold me in your heart - that's the closest I can be to you, and right now, I need to be engulfed by you. Be my refuge.

Changing Up the House

Well, I've spent way too much time on-line the last couple of days drooling over, or shall we say, "researching" from these sites:

http://www.potterybarnkids.com/

http://www.restorationhardware.com/rh/index.jsp

http://www.pier1.com/home.aspx

As well as a few others. I'm really just looking for ideas for the house. Mostly the bedrooms. I know what I want for the living space (which is kitchen, dining and living room all in one), and the family room downstairs. I really want to do up my laundry room to make it a place where I want to be. Right now it is unfinished walls and floor, and the ceiling is open. All of the tanks and pumps are just sitting up on a makeshift shelf, but taking up way more room than necessary. There is a "folding table" in there, but it is nothing more than a plywood top (unfinished) on a frame, nailed to the wall. About a foot higher than counter height. I'm 5'1". So it ends up collecting the unfolded, but clean!, laundry.

Which brings us to the next issue: Bedrooms. Greg and I have a very nice boxspring and mattress on a very nice frame. But no very nice headboard. I found one that is very nice, and also quite cheap in comparison to most of the ones out there. I love the look of black furniture in a master bedroom, and I also love panel style head/footboards. But our room is tiny. So I think a black metal bed would be nice, without overpowering the room. I'm going with a black and white color scheme in our room, which allows for changing a third, accent color, at whim. I cannot decide if I want taupe walls or a grey-mauve. I want the look to be cozy in winter, but fresh in summer. Currently the walls in the entire house are off-white. Not me. Eventually I want to be able to change up a few accessories, window treatments, etc. with the seasons - light and fresh for the summer, heavier and cozy for the winter.

On to the boys' room. Before we even knew we were moving from Smythe Street, Cole and I had discussed decorating the room he and Luke shared. He wanted a safari theme. It still hasn't happened. I have however had more time to think on what I really want to do. I don't want it to be too kid-like, even though the three boys are in there, so three ages. I want it to be something they'll enjoy at least until they are into adolescence. I want to make rag quilts for their beds in tans and khaki greens.

If this baby coming is a boy, we will be building another bedroom downstairs. I think four boys in one room is a bit much! Anyway, if that happens, I will be decorating that one in the theme we had Brett's room at Smythe Street. Initially it was Cole's, but when Ellie was ready for her own room, we moved Cole in with Luke, and Brett into Cole's room. It was gorgeous. I did a nautical theme. Navy, red and white. The room was perfect for it. It had really wide trim, painted white, and a navy wallpaper with a white pinstripe. I had bought some red/navy/white comforters at Marden's a few yrs. ago and it was so cute. Add a few dollar store nautical themed knickknacks. For the record, it would be a little more convenient to have another girl, and just have her in with Ellie, but if that doesn't happen we'll have a really cute second bedroom downstairs.

Ellie's room has been harder. I just can't settle on a color scheme. I want to use pink in the room, but I don't want a pink room. I really like pale greens. And I REALLY like yellow. I found a really pretty bedding set on the Pottery Barn website in yellow and white with tulips. I think I could do something similar to save on costs. And yellow with pink and green and white accents would be very girly without overdoing the pink factor.

I would eventually like to have a white easy wash slipcovers for the summer on the living room furniture. Some white breezy curtains, and our beautiful summer artwork we got last fall will give us just the feeling we want for the living area. I do intend to paint the cupboards at some point. They are a beautiful style, in oak. I know most people love oak - it seems to be THE finish to have, but I don't care for it. I do however really like cream colored cabinets. We're really trying to get a refined rustic cottage look here. We don't want everything in wood finishes, but some is good. Eventually we want to add a piece on the back for extra living space with a big stone fireplace, post and beam style. We'd also like to add faux post and beam in the main living space. At some point we'd like to have more bedroom space, so we are talking about building a second level. I've always wanted a cape cod, so we'll have to have some good discussions with an architect. When we add the post and beam addition, I'd like to get a HUGE dining table and put it where the living space is now.

Looks like we're going to be busy for the next few years!